It has been the hardest thing in my life ,
I have wanted to be a mother for as long as I can remember it has been the only thing I've ever really truly wanted!!!
And not being able to achieve a healthy pregnancy and become the mother I so ever want to be is literally slowly killing me from the inside out.

Labor days weekend was full of events surrounded with friends and family but at the end of the day and I look back and still felt so alone/lonely.
- going to a wedding and seeing happy couples gaga over the baby and the family so utterly happy over the child. Seeing the bride and groom and thinking to yourself there goes another couple who will have babies before we do...
- @ the wedding being asked how long my husband and I have been married/been together (married over three , together six and a half). And you don't have children? Do you not want them? Are you guys trying???..... I just wanted to scream so loud. I went silent and held back floods of tears while my husband can see and feel the pain in my expression. It's gotten to the point where he doesn't even know what to do anymore.
- being ditched by friends on a Saturday night and all I do is cry for hours and wish I had a child to come home to.
- having a lazy Sunday with my husband but occasionally tearing up because it still feels lonely besides we've been together six and a half years already our Sunday's have become too quite.
- Sunday dinner with my momma and I'm told of multiple pregnancy announcements... I want to yell at her and tell her I don't care , I don't want to hear everyone but me is happily with child.
- going to a parade with family all the other grandchildren and little cousins around still alone.. None of them are my babies none of them come home with me at the end of the night.

It's a complete ramble but this needs out.
I cry too much
I hope too far
I'm angry much too often
I blame myself
I don't pray enough


- Laura.