Can't Sleep...

Well haven't really known what to write about since our loss . . .

It's been about two months now and I'm sure glad it has gone by FAST.
Doctor said we were fine to wait a full cycle before we were ok to Try to Again .
We're not pregnant yet but, i'm hoping the new year brings some luck with it for us. I would really like to be pregnant by our 3rd anniversery in June.

--- well as for us we've just been working and getting ready for Christmas.
I'm still working with Insurance Marketing Stratgies and am getting close to my ONE year mark with them.
Renzo is doing Snow Removal
( why I was up @ 2:50am & can't sleep )
so pray for LoTS of Snow , we're very much in need of the hours.

Also I'll be able to BLOG more now , figured out how to do it on my itouch :D

numb

i seriously don't know how to feel right now, i am NUMB, and the cramps and horrible and very painful!

...spotted Thursday night and woke up to red Red RED in the morning, went to the doctors right away , had blood work done and was sent in for an emergency Ultrasound, had an Internal and External ultrasound to find NO baby... they're guessing i have a Blighted Ovum .

-- this is from AmericanPregnancy.org

What is a blighted ovum? A blighted ovum (also known as “anembryonic pregnancy”) happens when a fertilized egg attaches itself to the uterine wall, but the embryo does not develop. Cells develop to form the pregnancy sac, but not the embryo itself. A blighted ovum usually occurs within the first trimester before a woman knows she is pregnant. A high level of chromosome abnormalities usually causes a woman’s body to naturally miscarry.

How do I know if I am having or have had a blighted ovum? A blighted ovum can occur very early in pregnancy, before most women even know that they are pregnant. You may experience signs of pregnancy such as a missed or late menstrual period and even a positive pregnancy test. It is possible that you may have minor abdominal cramps, minor vaginal spotting or bleeding. As with a normal period, your body may flush the uterine lining, but your period may be a little heavier than usual. Many women assume their pregnancies are on track because their hCG levels are increasing. The placenta can continue to grow and support itself without a baby for a short time, and pregnancy hormones can continue to rise, which would lead a woman to believe she is still pregnant. A diagnosis is usually not made until an ultrasound test shows either an empty womb or an empty birth sac. Your purchase supports the APA

What causes a blighted ovum? A blighted ovum is the cause of about 50% of first trimester miscarriages and is usually the result of chromosomal problems. A woman’s body recognizes abnormal chromosomes in a fetus and naturally does not try to continue the pregnancy because the fetus will not develop into a normal, healthy baby. This can be caused by abnormal cell division, or poor quality sperm or egg.

**excitement & surprise**

I seriously can not believe it, we're expecting!!

* It's a huge surprise because we've been told by other doctors it wouldn't happen on our own, that we'd need hormone therapy to get pregnant! We decided we'd look into it towards the end of next year. Little did we know life had other plans for us! We're due June, 19th give or take a few days. I'm 5 weeks 4 days today!!! We have an early ultrasound on Thursday the 28th and time is going by so slow. i'm so excited and anxious to see our little bug, and to know that everything is going good and healthy!

LAKE POWELL

I got the chance to go to Lake Powell with My favorite Cousin and her Cute Cute KIDS!!!

and we had a Blast!!! can't wait to go again next summer with my friends!





Oh and if you can't tell i LOVE my Little Mackey!!! ( max )

LOVE IT

i'm so in love with this song!!!

wordless...

decided to write on here more and be more OPEN . . .

it's a hard thing... because, i feel like no one would like to read and know what's going on!

but, i'll jump in with both feet and just share a little here and there.



----- Here i go for now... i have been fighting a battle, a battle of Infertility !
and it's winning... i fight for the breath to share but, can't.
i feel sometimes that it's ruling my life and marriage and it's got a tight hold on us... with tears and anger , depression and hope , love and Loss...

and now most of the time it's too much. too much to handle... too much to deal with...

and lately i start to wonder if it'll be like this forever, just a dream, i figment of my imagination.
-- will i ever be a mother?
-- will i ever see those two lines?
-- will there ever be a flutter in my belly?

right now , i don't know.

but, someone said writing will help...
help ease the mind and soul.

we'll see.
ta ta for now, until next time

eh.

so i feel bad that i never actually post about anything...
just little thing here and there!
but, we got internet yesterday so no worries i will get better... EVENTUALLY :)



- work is going great and i guess i'm pretty good at it. i've made all my bonuses!


- i started a second Job this week as well. just a little thing here and there. I now cocktail waitress at the ELKS Lodge for events. and Boy did i wake up a little sore this morning ( i've never had a serving job at all) a tray full of drinks does put some strain on the Arm. but i am ever so grateful for it.


- i have also decided i am going to put all my money from the ELKS Lodge job in a Savings account as well as 50 dollars from each one of Renzo and I's paycheck! ;)
(good luck to me on that one) haha


- we signed another contract at our crappy apartments till JULY. so we could save money and look really hard into our next living quarters . i don't really want to move till we can buy but, maybe just one more time...


- Renzo is thinking long and hard about Joining the Military and i really think we are gonna do it. it's something he really wants to do and i think it'll help us jump start our life to where we need to be


eh i think that's a pretty good update and i'll get better at this soon

i love you all and hope you're having a wonderful 2010 :)

goodbye for now!

got the job!!!!!

and LOVING it!!!
it really couldn't have came at a better time. i'm so greatful and feel blessed to have found a full time Job with great pay!


THANK GOODNESS

Job ???

well i had a Job interview today that went really well.
I won't hear anything till Monday evening !
but, our fingers out crossed!

looking forword to 2010

well the year is over and lets hope the new one brings better LUCK with it.

Renzo and I were both laid off the week before thanksgiving.
He still has his night job and i qualified for unemployment !
I've seriously been sending 20 copies of my Resume out every other day.
and i've only had 1 job interview that i didn't get a call back for :(
i'm just hoping to find something soon it's been almost 8 weeks!!!
so if anyone knows of something please let me know .