•Slacker, ShMacker•

I've been a total blogging slacker, I feel like I don't ever have anything interesting / blogging worthy. No kiddos doing things or funny stories. Just a husband and wife Trying to get by, who may or may not ever have children.

I don't feel as if anyone wants to read how depressing it can be, how anxiety levels can shoot through the roof over something so stupid. Hormones are mean , and I don't know if I believe in a higher power anymore...
Because this is horrible and to intentionally put someone through this over and over again is ruthless .
I have days where my chest is heavy and my heart feels completely broken.

And who cares about intimacy I feel like the queen of celibacy . . .

random wants

THESE SHOES











Grey Nail Polish
(can't seem to find the right shade)



COACH POPPY - Smells DELiSH!!!






THIS PUPPY, someday when i have a Back Yard.











this COLOR of hair.

*house hungry*

lately since we're done TTC (trying to conceive) at least for a few months..
i've been SUPER house hungry...
I'd gladly take this house, i'm in LOVE with it.
Everytime they show it on MODERN FAMILY i tell Renzo
"I WANT THAT HOUSE" :(

















a living room i like, would change some things but love the color pallet.


















a relaxing Bathroom.




















and if you know me i LOVE LOVE LOVE GREEN!!!!!


Comfy Bedroom full of LOVE,




















thinking our next bedroom will be Grey & Teal , Or Grey & Purple!!!

* C * H * A * N * G * E * S *

hey look at the changes around here,
changed the URL as well to

whatbeginswithd.blogspot.com
got sick of
laura-and-renzo.blogspot.com

changed my blog layout and template like 10 times...
can't find anything i REALLY like , need to teach myself how to make and design them myself since i like to change it SO MUCH!!!

hopefully i'll feel like blogging more sometime soon.

so FOLLOW my blog and leave comments so i know you're here!

helping hope

quote i found today that i'm in LOVE with and will help get through the day!!!

...

17 weeks and missing you!!!



It hAs been almost 12 weeks ,

Not pregnant again , and do think it'll be awhile.

It was too good to be TRuE.

But , know I DO love you.

Can't Sleep...

Well haven't really known what to write about since our loss . . .

It's been about two months now and I'm sure glad it has gone by FAST.
Doctor said we were fine to wait a full cycle before we were ok to Try to Again .
We're not pregnant yet but, i'm hoping the new year brings some luck with it for us. I would really like to be pregnant by our 3rd anniversery in June.

--- well as for us we've just been working and getting ready for Christmas.
I'm still working with Insurance Marketing Stratgies and am getting close to my ONE year mark with them.
Renzo is doing Snow Removal
( why I was up @ 2:50am & can't sleep )
so pray for LoTS of Snow , we're very much in need of the hours.

Also I'll be able to BLOG more now , figured out how to do it on my itouch :D

numb

i seriously don't know how to feel right now, i am NUMB, and the cramps and horrible and very painful!

...spotted Thursday night and woke up to red Red RED in the morning, went to the doctors right away , had blood work done and was sent in for an emergency Ultrasound, had an Internal and External ultrasound to find NO baby... they're guessing i have a Blighted Ovum .

-- this is from AmericanPregnancy.org

What is a blighted ovum? A blighted ovum (also known as “anembryonic pregnancy”) happens when a fertilized egg attaches itself to the uterine wall, but the embryo does not develop. Cells develop to form the pregnancy sac, but not the embryo itself. A blighted ovum usually occurs within the first trimester before a woman knows she is pregnant. A high level of chromosome abnormalities usually causes a woman’s body to naturally miscarry.

How do I know if I am having or have had a blighted ovum? A blighted ovum can occur very early in pregnancy, before most women even know that they are pregnant. You may experience signs of pregnancy such as a missed or late menstrual period and even a positive pregnancy test. It is possible that you may have minor abdominal cramps, minor vaginal spotting or bleeding. As with a normal period, your body may flush the uterine lining, but your period may be a little heavier than usual. Many women assume their pregnancies are on track because their hCG levels are increasing. The placenta can continue to grow and support itself without a baby for a short time, and pregnancy hormones can continue to rise, which would lead a woman to believe she is still pregnant. A diagnosis is usually not made until an ultrasound test shows either an empty womb or an empty birth sac. Your purchase supports the APA

What causes a blighted ovum? A blighted ovum is the cause of about 50% of first trimester miscarriages and is usually the result of chromosomal problems. A woman’s body recognizes abnormal chromosomes in a fetus and naturally does not try to continue the pregnancy because the fetus will not develop into a normal, healthy baby. This can be caused by abnormal cell division, or poor quality sperm or egg.

**excitement & surprise**

I seriously can not believe it, we're expecting!!

* It's a huge surprise because we've been told by other doctors it wouldn't happen on our own, that we'd need hormone therapy to get pregnant! We decided we'd look into it towards the end of next year. Little did we know life had other plans for us! We're due June, 19th give or take a few days. I'm 5 weeks 4 days today!!! We have an early ultrasound on Thursday the 28th and time is going by so slow. i'm so excited and anxious to see our little bug, and to know that everything is going good and healthy!

LAKE POWELL

I got the chance to go to Lake Powell with My favorite Cousin and her Cute Cute KIDS!!!

and we had a Blast!!! can't wait to go again next summer with my friends!





Oh and if you can't tell i LOVE my Little Mackey!!! ( max )

LOVE IT

i'm so in love with this song!!!

wordless...

decided to write on here more and be more OPEN . . .

it's a hard thing... because, i feel like no one would like to read and know what's going on!

but, i'll jump in with both feet and just share a little here and there.



----- Here i go for now... i have been fighting a battle, a battle of Infertility !
and it's winning... i fight for the breath to share but, can't.
i feel sometimes that it's ruling my life and marriage and it's got a tight hold on us... with tears and anger , depression and hope , love and Loss...

and now most of the time it's too much. too much to handle... too much to deal with...

and lately i start to wonder if it'll be like this forever, just a dream, i figment of my imagination.
-- will i ever be a mother?
-- will i ever see those two lines?
-- will there ever be a flutter in my belly?

right now , i don't know.

but, someone said writing will help...
help ease the mind and soul.

we'll see.
ta ta for now, until next time

eh.

so i feel bad that i never actually post about anything...
just little thing here and there!
but, we got internet yesterday so no worries i will get better... EVENTUALLY :)



- work is going great and i guess i'm pretty good at it. i've made all my bonuses!


- i started a second Job this week as well. just a little thing here and there. I now cocktail waitress at the ELKS Lodge for events. and Boy did i wake up a little sore this morning ( i've never had a serving job at all) a tray full of drinks does put some strain on the Arm. but i am ever so grateful for it.


- i have also decided i am going to put all my money from the ELKS Lodge job in a Savings account as well as 50 dollars from each one of Renzo and I's paycheck! ;)
(good luck to me on that one) haha


- we signed another contract at our crappy apartments till JULY. so we could save money and look really hard into our next living quarters . i don't really want to move till we can buy but, maybe just one more time...


- Renzo is thinking long and hard about Joining the Military and i really think we are gonna do it. it's something he really wants to do and i think it'll help us jump start our life to where we need to be


eh i think that's a pretty good update and i'll get better at this soon

i love you all and hope you're having a wonderful 2010 :)

goodbye for now!

got the job!!!!!

and LOVING it!!!
it really couldn't have came at a better time. i'm so greatful and feel blessed to have found a full time Job with great pay!


THANK GOODNESS

Job ???

well i had a Job interview today that went really well.
I won't hear anything till Monday evening !
but, our fingers out crossed!

looking forword to 2010

well the year is over and lets hope the new one brings better LUCK with it.

Renzo and I were both laid off the week before thanksgiving.
He still has his night job and i qualified for unemployment !
I've seriously been sending 20 copies of my Resume out every other day.
and i've only had 1 job interview that i didn't get a call back for :(
i'm just hoping to find something soon it's been almost 8 weeks!!!
so if anyone knows of something please let me know .

CATCHiNG UP

hey so i just realized i haven't posted anything i a REALLY LONG time..

it's really hard when you don't have Kids to post often because there's not much going on.


-- Renzo is now working two full time jobs.
it's really hard not having him home very much i get lonely! He's gone from about 10:30pm-4:00pm the next day!!!

-- and i was Laid Off from the School District in Late August , started working at IN THE PAINT in Springville and only ended up being there for 6 weeks before i was Laid Off there. it's very frustrating!!! -- i was lucky enough to get a Job at Renzos work but, that might just be through the Holidays. *** my fingers are crossed -- i'd like to stay there as long as possible.


sorry it's been so long.. Hope this helps!

CUTE FACES

oh my GOSH i MISS these CUTE LITTLE FACES SO MUCH!!!

Can't wait to save some money & give these CUTE little FACES

some great BiG KiSSES!!!

BABY COLE

yeah i have a new Nephew who's SO CUTE!!!

oh man i can't wait to see this little guy in person!

I Love you COLE ! ! !

oh yeah!!!

this little man SPENCER ...

is W A L K I N G ! ! !

swimming with the Boys!!!

My cousin Tiffiney and her 3 cute little boys came swimming!!!

if you can't tell i LOVE them all more than anything!!!

taylor swift

i know this is super late but i thought i'd update before well cancel internet for awhile...


so for my birthday my super awesome Aunt TERRY gave me TAYLOR SWIFT CONCERT TICKETS!!! it was amazing! and i loved every minute of it...

oh and the wost part... i didn't even get a picture of renzo and i together...
i guess for some reason i feel stupid asking someone to take a picture

Graduates

my cute little cousins Graduated from Preschool & Kindergarten !!!



3 cute little brothers!!!

I love them so much!!!

anyone want some DiRT . . ?

i can't get over this picture of my CUTE little cousin SPENCER!!
it made me laugh so hard! I LOVE HiM to death!

Miss you Buddy!

BLUE KACKCOONS!!!

we found one of these little buggers on our SECOND story porch the other night... didn't know they could scale building walls...

we've seen them in the back yard before.. but never on the PORCH..
oh and so we've told Logan and Joey ... My little cousins who are 5 1/2 and 4 about seeing them and Logan thinks it's so funny to tease Joey about them.

so we have a huge hill on the side of our apartments and the boys like to run or roll down it... well Joey was running down it pretty fast and fell... and started screaming ... A KACKCOON... A KACKCOON!!! and ran back up to me as fast as he could... POOR BOY!!!
well for fun i asked him what color the KACKCOON was and he screams "" BIG AND BLUE ""

H A P P Y

E A S T E R

Hope everyone had a wonderful day!!!

**PicTuRe TaG**

4th picture in your 4th file...

pretty interesting!!!

i love this picture of me. it's encouragement for myself...
to
1. Lose weight... i feel i looked my best here i probably weighed 120 something...
GOOD LUCK TO MYSELF
i have a Goal to be around this weight by my birthday...
**JUNE 6th**
may or may not happen
11 weeks... YiKeS

&

2. Grow my hair out... i love love love my hair LONG!!!
just haven't been able to grow it back out...
I'm hoping by next Christmas it's this long.
i know that's awhile but, I'm going to do it.. haha
here i come Christmas 2010

this is to anyone reading this... I TAG YOU!!!!
find your 4th picture in your 4th file and post it!!!

THANKS EMILY!!!

* J A Z Z G A M E *

We went to the Jazz game last Wednesday with my Little brother Kenny and his girl friend Talysa. We had a lot of fun and i can't wait to go again!!

Sorry it's been awhile . . . We've been super busy!
Mainly with work but, we did move to a new apartment!
ABOUT TIME . . & FiNALLY!

i'll post pictures of the apartment soon!

* Jazz Game *

cute babies

I got really lucky last week and was able to babysit these cute little guys!
They're about 3 weeks now but, these pictures are from when i first met them at 6 days old!!!

On the Left is HAGEN and on the right is COPELAN



Hagen was wide awake and was making silly faces when the flash went off

***cLaSsiC sKaTiNg***

SERIOUSLY... haven't been in years!!

& probably won't go back...

Rollerblading just isn't for me...

Bowling

We go bowling with our friends one sunday a month. Why sunday... it's 5$ for shoes and the first game. Then 50 cents a person every game after!
It's a lot of fun!!! These are just some random pictures for one of the times we have gone!

I LOVE EMMA!!!
( she's getting ready to turn in her mission papers and i'm so happy for her but i'll MISS her SO MUCH)