Random Wantings.

One of these babies..

in one of these awesome colors!!!

can you believe this awesome stoneware from Rachel Ray @ Target.

A M A Z I N G , it's so dang CUTE!!


Bake ware for the avid baker in me.


along with a Doughnut pan, XL cupcake pan, spring form cake pans...


i love colored tumblers

the chevron ones are to D.i.E. for !

wanting this for my everyday china,

in surfing the web i guess this turned into random kitchen wants.

safe to say maybe its my own kitchen i miss...

when times got tough/tougher we moved into my MiLs , and are planning to save money and stay here for another year- year and a half.

i do NOT want to rent again, i want to save to buy a House or Townhouse !

-November Make up .

since i skipped November thought i'd make up and do just the ole generic Thankful post.
a little late but never the least bit less thankful.

#1. My Husband , he's the glue that holds me together.. really he does!
Don't know what i'd do with out him and i know everyone says that but it's ever SO T.R.U.E!!!

#2. My Family --

---- My momma & MiL our always there for us through thick and thin. They help us help ourselves get through it ALL.

---- My Sister Lindsay moved back to Utah from Florida while her husband gets his masters @ BYU (and he's Kickin butt working SO hard) But having her and her 3 little kiddos around has been so much fun and i adore them!!! Her littlest who turned 2 in August starts yelling WaWa!!! THE second he sees me!! I LOVE IT!!!
it's been a joy to see them Often , mostly only on weekends due to work... but hopefully at some point i'll be slightly less depended on and able to leave at a decent time every night.

---- My Sister Tiffiney, her husband Scott, & their FOUR wonderful but very rambunctious BoYS!!! Having them has helped me get through most of my baby hungryness her Littlest Maxwell is the same age as my first loss , and i do remember holding him many times quietly rocking him and tears would just stream from my eyes. He's my little angel , i know he knows he's a little extra special to us!!!

#3. MY JOB , as stated above i'm very depended on at work which i'm VERY grateful for tho at times it can be a little overwhelming. For those of you who don't know i was Promoted in August to a New Term Life Division in the company and Promoted again in November when i became an official Licensed Life insurance agent ! and trust me it was N o T easy getting there but after hours & HOURS & i mean .H.O.U.R.S. of studying i got through it!
and since it is a whole new division of the company it has been rough and im with it from the beginning and it has been a hard start up and i am eager to double this years income for 2012!!!

OUR STORY

Decided I needed to write a little more about us, so where better than to start but the beginning. :)

--- well Renzo asked me out on I guess you'd call it a pity date (I had just broke up with a mutual friend and they weren't being so nice to me) well we went on out first date March, 18th, 2005 and our second the 19th, and officially "together" the 21st.
From then on we were inseparable!!!
I was a junior and he was a senior in high school.

After a year and a half of dating (September 2006) we rented our first little apartment together, moved shortly after then moved again found something bigger and better.

April, 27th, 2007 -
He proposed!!! Aaahhh... It was amazing!

June, 21st, 2008 -
we were happily married!!!!

August, 2008 -
stopped Birth Control.
(doctor had said since I was on birth control for awhile that it would probably be a year before my body and hormones were normal)

February, 2009 -
NO PERIOD but no positives on a urine test @ home. I know my body I truly KNOW I'm pregnant!!! Go to the clinic on Monday, they do a urine test and it's negative...
I literally have to force the doctor to do a Blood test. She even told me "if this comes back negative which I'm sure it will you will have to pay the lab fees". Ugh... HAted her.
2 days go by and I call the office because I haven't heard from them. They said they will look around for the results and call me back. Next day nothing, day after next I call. Lady tells me if they haven't called by now it was negative. Ummm... Ok.
Hummmm... Sunday I start my "period" .
Sad I really thought i was pregnant.
TUESDAY-- Clinic calls found my blog work and I am pregnant want me to come in for follow up.
Tell the lady I had started... Go in HCG is lower.

Well now I know I can get pregnant... Hopeful.

April, 2009 -
start actually TRYING.

July, 2009 -
Late... Swear I'm pregnant but yet again way late no positive home pregnancy test. Can't get an appointment at the clinic.
Then came a heavy "period"

September, 2010 -
stumble upon EAGeR Trial.
Study trial researching effects of a low dose aspirin during trying to conceive and pregnancy.

October, 11th, 2011 ---
POSITIVE PREGNANCY TEST!!!! AND I MEAN WAY POSITIVE DON'T THINK THE LINE COULD GET ANY DARKER!!!
((( 4 weeks 3 days )))
One of the best days of my life if not THE best!!!

October, 20th, 2010--
Getting ready for bed go pee as usual, slight pink!
Fall asleep crying in my husbands arms.
So scared keep my legs closed so tight all night hoping wishing and praying everything will be ok in the morning.

October, 21st, 2010 --
Woke up to red Red RED.
Go to my doctor the does blood work and sends me to the hospital for an emergency ultrasound.
Have an external and internal ultrasound.
No baby...
((( 5 weeks 6 days )))

PRESENT DAY ---
almost a year later.
Hardest year of my life.
Deep depression.
Anxiety/panic attacks.
Weight Gain.
Severely emotional.
Constant crying.

But I am determined to have a healthy pregnancy!!!
I am made to be a mother.
I want it more than anything.
And definitely more than anyone I know.

I will get pregnant!!!
I will stay pregnant!!!
I will have baby!!!
I will be a mother!!!
We will be parents!!!

My Husband will turn 26 in May , And I will he 24 in June. Our 4 year wedding anniversary will be at the end of June. I want to be pregnant by then.

I will hope.
I will wish.
I will pray.
I will have faith.







- with <3 Laura.

It has been the hardest thing in my life ,
I have wanted to be a mother for as long as I can remember it has been the only thing I've ever really truly wanted!!!
And not being able to achieve a healthy pregnancy and become the mother I so ever want to be is literally slowly killing me from the inside out.

Labor days weekend was full of events surrounded with friends and family but at the end of the day and I look back and still felt so alone/lonely.
- going to a wedding and seeing happy couples gaga over the baby and the family so utterly happy over the child. Seeing the bride and groom and thinking to yourself there goes another couple who will have babies before we do...
- @ the wedding being asked how long my husband and I have been married/been together (married over three , together six and a half). And you don't have children? Do you not want them? Are you guys trying???..... I just wanted to scream so loud. I went silent and held back floods of tears while my husband can see and feel the pain in my expression. It's gotten to the point where he doesn't even know what to do anymore.
- being ditched by friends on a Saturday night and all I do is cry for hours and wish I had a child to come home to.
- having a lazy Sunday with my husband but occasionally tearing up because it still feels lonely besides we've been together six and a half years already our Sunday's have become too quite.
- Sunday dinner with my momma and I'm told of multiple pregnancy announcements... I want to yell at her and tell her I don't care , I don't want to hear everyone but me is happily with child.
- going to a parade with family all the other grandchildren and little cousins around still alone.. None of them are my babies none of them come home with me at the end of the night.

It's a complete ramble but this needs out.
I cry too much
I hope too far
I'm angry much too often
I blame myself
I don't pray enough


- Laura.

• Ramblings •

Recently –

I’ve been wanting to get into some hobbies to keep myself busy. Keep this girls brain off of babies and what not… I’ve wanted to Sew but, don’t have a sewing machine at the moment…
(((I did find one on sale @ Costco & if it happens to still be there in about 3 weeks I’ll be buying one)))
because I’m really wanting to make THIS really really REALLY extremely cute quit my Friend Erikas awesome Momma made for their beautiful baby GirlELOISE !
--anyways I want to make this quilt for our Room with Grays, Reds,Yellows, and Blacks.
- I would like one more color but can’t decide between a Purple ,Green , or Turquoise
leaning towards the GREEN the most & Turquoise is coming in second .
only because they are easier colors to find cute fabrics.

(http://te-senneff.blogspot.com/2011/07/i-cant-believe-our-girl-is-month-and.html )

p.s. if you’re not reading Erikas wonderful blog you’re missing out!!!
( http://te-senneff.blogspot.com/ )

--- So instead of sewing right now I guess you can say I’ve been baking… Cupcakes! We have had a lot of summer BBQs to attend and I LOVE to make dessert any chance I get.

I’ve got all into making cupcakes and making sure they look and taste great. Researching recipes and reading all the comments posted. Making little changes if I feel it’s needed. YUM ! And in the end I do it for me but after all the cooking and what not most of the time I don’t even end up eating any if so very little. My satisfaction from it is all the positive feed back from friends and family. Seeing them enjoy it so much. Praising me on how wonderful it is. It swells my heart , I’d rather others enjoy it than myself… and I’ve got a SWEET tooth TRUST me!!! But, really after putting all the work into it I don’t feel I need to eat it. I don’t care for that kind of sweet satisfaction. (Get it)

So I’ll share the two awesome recipes I’ve used most recently and everyone has LOVED!!!
Don’t even think anything bad could be said they are to d-i-e for !

This first one is a Cake recipe that I found and made it into cupcakes. More BBQ friendly.

this recipe is from picky-palate.com
Direct Link : http://picky-palate.com/2009/05/12/chocolate-lovin-cream-centered/

Chocolate Lovin’ Cream Centered Cake

- 1 box devils food cake mix

- 4 eggs

- 6 oz vanilla lowfat yogurt

- 1 pkg chocolate instant pudding mix (small box)

- 1/2 Cup oil

- 1/2 Cup water

- 1 bag Reeses Peanut Butter Cup baking pieces
(or use cut up candy pieces or even choc chips)
( I USE CHOCOLATE CHIPS )

Cream Cheese Frosting -
- 8 oz softened cream cheese
- 1 stick softened butter
- 2 Cups powdered sugar

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees F. Place cake mix, eggs, yogurt, pudding mix, oil and water into stand mixer. Mix on medium-low for 2 minutes or until well combined. Slowly add in baking chips. Pour into greased Oreo cake pans (or 2 9 inch pans). Bake for 25-35 minutes or until toothpick comes out clean from center. Let cool completely, then invert onto wax paper.

2. To prepare frosting, beat cream cheese and butter until smooth. Slowly add in powdered sugar until smooth. Spread frosting over bottom cake then place second cake on top. Chill until serving.

Yum yum yummmmmmmm!!!!


want cute cupcake wrappers like those… ZURCHERS ! ! !

the inside…
this recipe is from picky-palate.com
Direct link: http://picky-palate.com/2010/08/23/fluffer-oreo-birthday-boy-cupcakes/

Fluffer-Oreo Birthday Boy Cupcakes

- 1 yellow cake mix

- 1/2 Cup water

- 1/2 Cup canola or vegetable oil

- 4 eggs

- 1 box instant vanilla pudding mix

- 4 oz softened cream cheese

- 5 Oreo Cookies, crushed plus 12-24 whole Oreos to layer inside cupcakes

- 1/2 Cup marshmallow cream plus 1/2 Cup to layer

- Cream Cheese Frosting See the link for recipe (or above in MY post )

- 5 or so Oreos crushed to sprinkle over each frosted Cupcake

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees F. Using your stand mixer, beat the cake mix, water, oil, eggs, pudding mix, cream cheese, 5 crushed oreos and 1/2 Cup Marshmallow cream until well combined, about 1 minute.

2. Line your Texas Size Muffin Tin with paper liners and place 2 Tablespoons of batter into the bottom of each cup. Layer with an Oreo then a dollop of marshmallow cream, 2 more tablespoons of batter then another Oreo and dollop of marshmallow cream. Top with 2 more Tablespoons of cupcake batter, should be about 3/4 full. Don’t fill more than that or you’ll have a mess in your oven NOTE: If you are using a normal size cupcake pan, only layer one Oreo and one dollop of marshmallow cream.

3. Bake for 25-27 minutes (for Texas Size Pan 18-22 minutes for normal size cupcake pan, or until just golden brown and cooked through. Let cool completely. Frost and sprinkle with crushed oreos.

-12 Texas Size Cupcakes or 24 normal size cupcakes.

I don’t have a Texas size pan, or a giant. But, after making these I’ve decided I need one!!! They are veryvery good but, were a pain to make in a normal size pan!

any of you have any awesome recipes or recipe websites ?

DO SHARE WITH ME ! ! !
comment below.

I’ll make them and review them for you all!

•LoVe & HoPE•

Made these.

















- with <3 Laura.

•Freedom of Speech•

Truly have thought about making my blog private this week but, I'm not going to because finding blogs like these an people going through the same helps and if I can help someone and be here for someone else I'm doing my good in the world to help another out.

Some people don't think what I write on here is appropriate , or think its all about them...IT IS NOT. (don't be full of yourself)
These are my feelings , thoughts and trials. If you don't like it people don't read it.

I truly wish that these people could experience the trials and pain I've been through!
I bet they wouldn't be bring my personal life and blog up at work if they truly knew it.

There for this is MY FREEDOM OF SPEECH that my forefathers Put into the constitution and bill of rights.

I do feel I keep a filter on when I write and do keep other people in mind , do remember anything and everything here is for ME .

You are the one choosing to read and spread incorrect rumors about what I write on here and you choosing to do that is wrong.

good luck . . .

I will continue to write on here what I want when I want.

Thank you.

- with <3 Laura.

TTC is HARD & randomness

So lately I think my depression has gotten even worse!!!
My due date for my most recent pregnancy was early last week and I've been nothing but rude to some people cuz they're pregnant. ( not good I know )

We have officially been trying to conceive for TOO long now (just over 2 years) almost 3 if you count when we well I stopped taking BC.

Gained too much weight UGH...
thinking about doing Jillian Michaels 30 day shred....
From pre pregnancy the first one in deb 2009, I've gained a little over 40 ugh that's right freaking FORTY pounds.

Depression well get ya and get you good. Why can't I be back in my depression stage where I was losing weight and was anoxic/bulimic ?

Or actually finally have a healthy pregnancy and not be depressed ALL the time!!!!!
I'll talk morning/all day sickness any day gratefully.

seriously even work is HARD, My boss hired another pregnant chick oh and sat her right next to me. Ummm hello???

Or anytime at work when I'm not feeling great the girls all try and get into my head saying maybe you're pregnant???
Then here I am over analyzing every little thing... Hummmm when were we intimate last??

It's so sad when you can't even remember...

And it sucks to not feel great and think every little thing c o u l d be a pregnancy symptom...ugh!!!

I know I'm going to be the best momma so why can't I have a baby... Why do all thaws crack heads and teens get babies I hate it... I really do!!!

I tired of being sad all of the time , the littlest thing will make me cry.

Well enough sap and ranting for the day


- with <3 Laura.

post Due Date

Feels as if the grass isn't always greener on the other side.

nadda

I always feel like such a cruddy blogger for never writting but, really i just don't have anything to write about.

-- hummm... it's finally summer around here .

i was sssssoooooooo tired of the Hot , COLd , rainy Rainy RAINY , Hot , cool , COLD shizzz.

it's in the high 70's today and were going to be headed to LAGOON soon. hopefully it actually works out.

----- for my birthday we were planning on a big group to the ZOO and literally on our way up there EVERYONE (except for Liz((she's the best ever ever EVER)) canceled out on us.. BuMMeR!!!

- - - i'm still working at the same ole Insurance Call center .

( what can i do , it's good pay and it's A JOB )

i do have a hopeful interview within the next week and a half!!!!

((please please please get THIS JOB))

- as for now no Babies and doesn't look it'll be for awhile...

well off to lagoon

•Slacker, ShMacker•

I've been a total blogging slacker, I feel like I don't ever have anything interesting / blogging worthy. No kiddos doing things or funny stories. Just a husband and wife Trying to get by, who may or may not ever have children.

I don't feel as if anyone wants to read how depressing it can be, how anxiety levels can shoot through the roof over something so stupid. Hormones are mean , and I don't know if I believe in a higher power anymore...
Because this is horrible and to intentionally put someone through this over and over again is ruthless .
I have days where my chest is heavy and my heart feels completely broken.

And who cares about intimacy I feel like the queen of celibacy . . .

random wants

THESE SHOES











Grey Nail Polish
(can't seem to find the right shade)



COACH POPPY - Smells DELiSH!!!






THIS PUPPY, someday when i have a Back Yard.











this COLOR of hair.

*house hungry*

lately since we're done TTC (trying to conceive) at least for a few months..
i've been SUPER house hungry...
I'd gladly take this house, i'm in LOVE with it.
Everytime they show it on MODERN FAMILY i tell Renzo
"I WANT THAT HOUSE" :(

















a living room i like, would change some things but love the color pallet.


















a relaxing Bathroom.




















and if you know me i LOVE LOVE LOVE GREEN!!!!!


Comfy Bedroom full of LOVE,




















thinking our next bedroom will be Grey & Teal , Or Grey & Purple!!!

* C * H * A * N * G * E * S *

hey look at the changes around here,
changed the URL as well to

whatbeginswithd.blogspot.com
got sick of
laura-and-renzo.blogspot.com

changed my blog layout and template like 10 times...
can't find anything i REALLY like , need to teach myself how to make and design them myself since i like to change it SO MUCH!!!

hopefully i'll feel like blogging more sometime soon.

so FOLLOW my blog and leave comments so i know you're here!

helping hope

quote i found today that i'm in LOVE with and will help get through the day!!!

...

17 weeks and missing you!!!



It hAs been almost 12 weeks ,

Not pregnant again , and do think it'll be awhile.

It was too good to be TRuE.

But , know I DO love you.